Grief and its Impact on Digestion

My name is Sabine Horner and as a member of WidowedAndYoung (WAY), I regularly come across posts on our Facebook page which receive lots of responses from members about health issues after the death of their partner. This shows the gaping hole in the understanding of the physical impact of grief by GPs, bereavement support workers and counsellors.

I retrained as a nutritional and grief yoga therapist after my husband, Kevin, was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukaemia in 2017. During my nutrition studies I came across a paper describing the huge impact emotional stress from grief has on all our body systems, not just on our brain. And it is this – automatic – stress response that causes the wide range of health issues many bereaved people start to experience several months – sometimes years – after losing a loved one.

Fight, flight or freeze – our body’s natural response to strong emotions

Our response to – any kind of – stress has not changed since prehistoric times. Back then, it made sense that stress shut down our digestive system to pump all available blood into the heart and the limbs to help us run away from the sabre-toothed tiger.

Meanwhile, our nervous system responsible for this stress response has not caught up with modern times and learned to distinguish between real and perceived threats. Therefore, our bodies perceive grief as a threat which impacts our digestion and our ability to absorb vital nutrients from the food we eat – if we manage to eat at all.

Blood, sweat and tears – what dryness does to our digestion

We need three things for our digestion to work well:

Lots of blood

Lots of fluid

Lots of energy

Stress diverts blood away from our digestive system; it also causes tension in the smooth muscle tissue lining our oesophagus, stomach and intestines, leading to difficulty swallowing and food stagnation. When our stomach is ‘tied in knots’ and lacking blood, food gets stuck and this can cause all sorts of digestive issues such as acid reflux, nausea, gas & bloating, IBS or constipation.

Eating or drinking anything cold will only make matters worse as this further constricts blood flow to our stomach and puts out our ‘digestive fire’.

In grieving, we lose fluids by crying and we often forget to drink. Diarrhea, dry(ing) food, coffee, alcohol or excessive sweating can contribute to dehydration. When our body is too dry for whatever reason, it struggles to produce the right amounts of stomach acid, digestive enzymes and bile needed to break down the carbs, protein and fat in our food into smaller molecules we can easily absorb.

When grief turns us into energy vampires

60% of the energy derived from food is used to digest our next meal. Since grief is exhausting and drains our energy reserves, we soon lack the ‘oomph’ needed for proper digestion. And because we can only absorb what has been fully digested, we start to get nutrient deficiencies including a lack of iron.

Iron is essential for a well-functioning thyroid gland which regulates our metabolism. Without an adequate amount, everything – including our digestion – slows down and we can get symptoms such as constipation (with alternating diarrhea), weight gain, chronic fatigue, hair loss, anxiety, depression and many others. Unfortunately, low thyroid function is often not picked up by conventional thyroid tests.

Grief makes us crave comfort

Grief changes our eating habits. Many people start craving foods high in sugar and unhealthy fats, so-called ‘comfort food’. Additional stressors such as social isolation, physical inactivity, excessive hygiene or lack of sleep can contribute to this kind of food cravings, making us overeat due to emotional rather than true hunger.

Food cravings are the body’s way of communicating any form of imbalance. Because anything with a naturally sweet taste is by nature nourishing, grounding and building strength, the body craves sweet-tasting food when it is malnourished – on a physical, emotional or spiritual level.

Also, our gut is home to over 100 trillion microbes whose survival depends on the food we eat. While our survival depends on a healthy balance between the beneficial and the more harmful microbes that are part of this extremely complex ecosystem.

Thus, when we eat traditional comfort food such as bread, cheese, pasta, pizza or cakes when we feel depleted, low and lonely, we end up feeding the wrong guys. And stress makes them thrive as well.

Emotional stress and the unhelpful eating habits we develop when grieving can create a vicious cycle and sustain unhealthy food cravings because our gut microbes are constantly talking to the brain and vice versa. They can manipulate our eating behaviour in their favour and make us feel happy or miserable depending on which microbes dominate in our gut.

The Ayurvedic doctor I was seeing after Kevin died told me to cook three ‘happy’ meals every day as I was close to getting severely depressed. ‘Happy’ meals contain lots of fibre from a wide variety of vegetables, beans, lentils, grains and fruit which increase the diversity of our beneficial gut bacteria. When they get their preferred fuel, they produce a veritable pharmacy of compounds with many health benefits.

They also keep our blood sugar levels stable helping to curb any food cravings, reduce mood swings and balance our emotions. After all, a blood sugar rollercoaster is the last thing we need when faced with the emotional ups and downs of grieving!

Small steps can have a big impact

Sticking to a healthy diet and a regular daily (meal) routine is easier said than done. Making changes to our diet and lifestyle is difficult under the best of circumstances but much more challenging during bereavement.

The best way is to keep things simple and make one small change at a time. Tiny new habits add up over time and can boost our energy and motivation to make more changes.

Here are 4 simple diet & lifestyle tips to help you – or a bereaved person you know – take the first step towards regaining your health and well-being:

Sabine combines wisdom from ancient traditions with evidence-based nutrition to help support the wellbeing of bereaved individuals. You can read more about Sabine and her work on the Asana Nutrition Website.

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We are developing a questionnaire to support research and good practice

Who is involved in this research and how can I contact them?

The project is a collaboration between Dr Peter Branney (Senior Lecturer in Social Psychology at University of Bradford, Dr Sarah Jones (Independent Funeral Director at Full Circle Funerals in Yorkshire and Dr Julie Rugg (Senior Researcher in Social Policy at University of York).

Dr Sarah Jones, Full Circle Funerals – Full Circle Funerals is an award winning, modern funeral director supporting the wellbeing of bereaved individuals across Yorkshire. Dr Pete Branney works at the University of Bradford and you can find out more about him here. Please contact [email protected] with any enquiries.

Dr Julie Rugg – Dr Rugg is a Senior Research Fellow in Social Policy and Social Work at the University of York. She is a leading expert on cemeteries and has had over thirty years’ experience of researching death, funerals and commemoration.

Why funerals?

Most people will need to arrange a funeral at some point in their lives and funerals are regarded as an important event for individuals, families, and wider communities. Funerals are a key rite of passage and getting them right is clearly important. However, there has been little robust clinical research on the long-term impact on wellbeing of funerals going badly or going well.

Do we need a funeral satisfaction score?

There is currently no validated method to measure funeral satisfaction. Without this measure, it is very hard to do any meaningful research to understand the impact that a funeral has after bereavement. It is very hard to understand what good funeral care looks like, and how services can be improved to best meet the needs of bereaved people and families. It is also hard to try to establish whether funeral satisfaction has any impact on long-term mental or physical wellbeing.

What are funeral factors?

A large qualitative study in 2019 identified five “funeral factors” that people consistently stated were important to them, and which they felt had an impact on their satisfaction with the funeral. This study was the first of its kind as it focused on the accounts of bereaved people, rather than the opinions of the professionals who support them. These participants were true “funeral experts by experience”. These factors included:

The funeral followed the wishes of the person who died;

All the right people were involved in decision-making around the funeral;

A funeral director who was responsive to the needs of the people arranging the funeral;

Being able to be with the body – or not – depending on preference;

Having a funeral service that met expectations.

Are funerals really that important?

The way that participants spoke about the funeral arrangements gave credence to the idea that funerals really are important and can have a meaningful impact on the people who arrange and attend them.

One participant reflected on her grandfather’s funeral, and how she was left with a positive feeling: “It was just, you knew he’d be alright, you could picture him having a little dance down the aisle, you knew it felt ok.” In contrast, one participant still articulated a strong sense of regret, sixteen years later: “It’s so important to the person who has a funeral to organise. It’s their one chance to get it right. It doesn’t play on my mind at all, but it could’ve been so much better, it could have been a lot different.”

How do you create a funeral score?

In the next phase of this research, the five factors that have been identified are being used to create a funeral satisfaction score. This score can then be used in a variety of different research, academic and practical settings to better understand, and improve, services and outcomes for people arranging funerals.

Once a reliable score has been developed then its uses are far-reaching. In medical research, scores such as pain scores or measures of function are commonly used to better understand people’s treatments, and how they can be improved. Similarly, funeral scores will help us to understand the long-term impacts of getting a funeral right or wrong, and what changes might need to be made to ensure that the impact of funerals is always positive.

The development of a score involves developing a questionnaire and then testing it on as many people as possible. The results (the more the better) are then analysed using statistics and mathematical modelling. The best questions and structure then becomes clear. The more thorough this testing process is, the better and more reliable the final score will be at measuring funeral satisfaction.

What can I do to help?

We want the process to develop the score to be as thorough as possible and are looking for people to volunteer to complete the questionnaire. To take part, you need be over 18 years old and to have arranged or attended a funeral in the UK at any time. The questionnaire is anonymous, online and should only take between five to ten minutes to complete.

The first phase of the study has now been completed and we are analysing the early results to see what we can learn from the first 300 competed questionnaires. We will be looking for more participants to complete the survey once we have received ethical approval for the next phase of the study. Please email [email protected] if you would like take part.

The link to complete the survey is: https://bradford.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/eifell-febe-funeral-satisfaction-survey-21-01

Who is involved in this research and how can I contact them?

Dr Sarah Jones, Full Circle Funerals – Full Circle Funerals is an award winning, modern funeral director supporting the wellbeing of bereaved individuals across Yorkshire. Dr Pete Branney works at the University of Bradford and you can find out more about him here. Please contact [email protected] with any enquiries.

Songs hold memories. We all have songs that take us back to particular moments in time, first dances, singing along on road trips, concerts with friends. Even the memory of hearing a special song for the first time can stick with us.

Songs are also alive, every time they are sung fresh life is breathed into them. They grow with us, the voices singing them mature and their lyrics can take on new meaning to match our experiences. They accompany us through our lives and are always there when we need them.
I believe everyone has a song, and everyone’s song deserves to be sung. One of my all time favourite lyrics from the great Bob Dylan is “May your heart always be joyful, May your song always be sung and may you stay, Forever Young”. The image of someone’s song always being sung makes me smile.

Since 2017 I have been supporting people dealing with a bereavement to write their own original songs. This can be a way of honouring someone, creating something unique to them that can live on and can also be very therapeutic as a way of processing grief. The songwriting process enables us to reflect on experiences, explore and express our emotions and create something unique to add to someones legacy.

Songs can be about the person’s life, about your relationship to them, about your favourite memories of them, your experience of the bereavement or even their legacy going forward. Songs can be about anything really, the important thing for me is that they are true to the writer in whatever they want to say. People often worry that they can’t write a song, we specialise in making the process easy and enjoyable. All you need are your experiences, your way of using words and your ears. We help with the everything, finding your words, creating some music based on other songs you like and then ensuring your words with the music we have created. You don’t have to sing but if you would like to we are happy to help you do that.
When a song is finished the writer has the choice of keeping that song private and just sharing it with whomever they choose or making the song public and sharing it on our website.

It gives me great joy to hear that songs that have been written through this project regularly get played on anniversaries of peoples deaths, on birthdays, family gatherings and other occasions when we may really miss someone. The vision of The Swan Song Project is a world where everyone’s song may always be sung.

Grief doesn’t have time limits so we are here to help whether your loss is recent or years down the line. If you would like to find out more we would love to hear from you.

Ben Buddy Slack

www.swansongproject.co.uk

For those who want to offer emotional support to someone who is grieving – whether they’re a partner, relative, close friend or colleague – it can be difficult to know what to do or say.

You may ask yourself, what if I say the wrong thing? Could what I say add to their distress? It’s completely normal to feel unsure as to how to support a loved one through a very tough time, and as a result we can feel confused, distanced from the bereaved and our efforts can even feel ineffective.

The good news is there are lots of things you can do to let your loved one know that you’re by their side, from listening to them about their feelings to helping them with everyday tasks.

Here, we’ll have a look at the different ways that grief could affect someone and some common beliefs and misconceptions that people might have about grieving. We’ll also talk you through the ways you can help to support someone in your life who has experienced loss.

How does grief affect us?

Grief is a natural response to the loss of a loved one. It’s very common for people to feel shocked or “numb” when they first find out about their loss. Many people experience disbelief or a sense that what’s happened isn’t real.

While each person reacts differently to loss, many people have described feeling strong denial or confusion, while others say they have felt anger, yearning, guilt or sadness.

Most people have heard of the “five stages” of grief, and many of us can even name them. The stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – were first developed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist whose work did much to soften the stigma around terminal illness and grief.

The five stages, which were originally developed to describe the emotional journey that patients follow, rather than their loved ones, have become shorthand for what is actually a very complex process.

The five stages of grief don’t typically happen one after the other. In fact, everyone grieves in their own diverse ways and can experience a wide array of emotions. As well as the original five stages, people who are grieving can experience many more emotions and could find themselves “skipping” stages, repeating them or experiencing multiple stages at once. For example, they might experience an immediate period of melancholy or depression only to later have feelings of anger or denial. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and it’s essential that the bereaved receive support and validation no matter what way they grieve or the timeline the process follows.

Supporting the bereaved person

Whether you’re a friend, family member or colleague, you can play an important role in helping the bereaved receive the understanding and support they need. Here are a few key ways to do so…

Ask… then listen

Begin with the simplest of questions, ‘How are you?’. If you know the person well you may feel comfortable asking them directly whether or not they want to talk about their feelings.

The bereaved person might find it soothing to discuss their feelings, or share memories of the deceased. And while you may encourage them to speak with you about it, ultimately you should take your lead from them in each conversation. After all, they may want to speak in detail about their feelings, but just as equally they may not.

Offer help

Let the bereaved person know you are ready to support them. This could include offering to attend an event held in honour of the deceased, or offering your company on holidays such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or Christmas. It may help to be aware of dates and anniversaries which could cause strong feelings to surface so that you can offer support in those times.

Ask if there’s anything they need, and if they seem unsure, you could suggest specific things, such as cooking them a meal or doing their shopping.

Be observant

Many people report physical symptoms which come as a result of acute grief, such as stomach pain, loss of appetite, intestinal upsets, sleep disturbances and loss of energy.

Mourning can place significant stress on the body’s natural defence systems, and loneliness and feelings of isolation could worsen existing health issues. As a friend or family member, you may wish to be observant of the physical and emotional health of the bereaved, and gently suggest seeking the help of a doctor if existing health problems worsen or new symptoms emerge.

Be patient

Being nudged or pushed to confront many difficult emotions at once can be unnecessarily painful, and put a strain on your relationship with the bereaved. Therefore take a slow and patient approach to supporting your loved one, and remember that processing and healing after loss take a great deal of time. Mourning can progress over months and years. Avoid setting a specific timeline for someone to “move on”, or comparing them with others’ experiences or expectations around grief.

Resources that can help

There are many organisations that offer emotional support, and a phone call or online chat following a bereavement.

Many charities and organisations have come under strain during the pandemic, however, either as a result of decreases in funding, an increase in enquiries, or adjustments to new ways of working and/or staffing. NBS has recently launched an all-new grief support and counselling helpline, to help charities and other organisations that have been overwhelmed or lack the resources to offer a full-time support and counselling helpline.

The dedicated free-phone number, giving people direct access to bereavement support, is available from 9am to 6pm Monday to Friday and 10am to 2pm on Saturday.

For those who prefer not to speak to someone about the difficulties they’re experiencing over the phone, NBS has also introduced a live chat feature on its website. The live chat function automatically appears as a pop-up when a visitor accesses the site and they can choose to get in touch through it, or continue browsing. Providing real-time responses to questions or concerns from the same trained advisors who answer NBS’ phonelines, the live chat facility is an alternative contact method that ensures those in need of help following a bereavement can reach out in a way that’s easiest for them.

No matter how people choose to get in touch, NBS can provide immediate help with support and counselling services developed in partnership with the expert team at St Giles Hospice. On a case by case basis, NBS can provide assessment and signposting to further assistance, which will either be provided by trained specialist bereavement support volunteers, or, where counselling is required, by a BACP-registered practitioner.

Visit the National Bereavement Service’s website

Government rules

People are allowed to attend a funeral or a belief based/ceremonial event that is linked to a funeral (such as a scattering of ashes)

Up to 30 people are allowed to attend a funeral; this does not include funeral staff

Up to 15 people are allowed to attend a belief based/ceremonial event (such as a wake or scattering of ashes); this does not include anyone working. Some venues can remain open to host such events. If the event is in a private dwelling (including private gardens), only members of one household or support bubble can attend. You must not break your self-isolation to attend such an event

Actual maximum numbers that can attend will be dependent on what the venue can safely allow (see details for Yorkshire crematoria below)

Light refreshments are permitted at events linked to funerals

Symptomatic people should not attend funerals

People who are self-isolating should not attend funerals unless they are a close family member of the person that has died. Remote attendance should take place where possible. If after considering the risk you choose to attend in person you must

Local Crematorium Rules

Cottingley

14 in chapel and 16 outside

Professional pallbearers only

No touching the coffin

Rope barrier around coffin

Officiant only at lectern

Any attendee readings must be done from seats

Seats have been separated

Curtains to remain open

Maximum of 6 for ashes scatterings

Huddersfield

10 inside chapel and 10 outside

Lawns Wood

14 in chapel and 16 outside

Professional pallbearers only

Rope barrier around coffin

Officiant only at lectern

Any attendee readings must be done from seats

Seats have been separated

Curtains to remain open

Maximum of 6 for ashes scatterings

Nab Wood

15 inside chapel and 5 outside

Seating spaced which must be moved back if tampered with

Any speaking from attendees must be done from their seats (i.e., not at the lectern)

No touching coffin

Rope barriers around coffin

Curtains must remain open at the end of the service

Professional pallbearers only

No singing or hymn books

2 pieces of music allowed

Maximum of 6 for ashes scatterings

Park Wood

20 inside chapel and 8 in overflow

Seating spaced which must be moved back if tampered with

Curtains must remain open at the end of service

Professional pallbearers only

Attendees cannot touch coffin

Rope barrier around coffin

Maximum of 6 for ashes scatterings (crematorium yet to confirm number)

Rawdon

18 in chapel and 12 outside

Professional pallbearers only

Rope barrier around coffin

Officiant only at lectern

Any attendee readings must be done from seats

Seats have been separated

Curtains to remain open

Maximum of 6 for ashes scatterings

2 Saturdays in December and January there will be 10 appointments available with no extra charge

Scholemoor

10 mourners inside chapel and 10 outside

Seating spaced which will be moved back if mourners move seats

Any speaking from attendees must be done from their seats (i.e., not at the lectern)

Rope barriers around coffin

Curtains must remain open at the end of the service

Professional pallbearers only

No touching the coffin

No visual tributes or live webcasts but service can be recorded to be sent out after

No singing or hymn books

2 pieces of music allowed

Maximum of 6 for ashes scatterings (crematorium yet to confirm number)

Skipton

15 inside chapel and 15 outside

Seating spaced which must be moved back if tampered with

No touching the coffin

No singing

No shouldering

Only officiant allowed at lectern

Flowers can be left on coffin but crematorium staff will not remove them

Maximum of 6 for ashes scatterings (crematorium yet to confirm number)

Stonefall

20 inside chapel and 0 outside

Funerals with more than 20 attendees will be turned away

Rope barrier around coffin

Seats aren’t separated but some rows are blocked off

Funeral director must be last to leave the chapel

York

18 inside chapel

No touching the coffin

Professional pallbearers only

Curtains will close at end of service

Seating is separated but can be moved – must be moved back before next service

Barrier around coffin

Local Burial Rules

Bradford

30 attendees allowed

Family / friend pallbearers are allowed

Calderdale

28 attendees allowed

Craven

15 attendees allowed

Harrogate

20 attendees allowed

Kirklees

10 attendees allowed

Leeds

30 attendees allowed

Family allowed to carry coffin and lower into grave

Armley / Hunslet burial chapels can only accommodate 20

Registering a death

General Government Guidance

If the person died at home or in hospital:
A relative should register the death but if this is not possible the following may register

Someone who was there at the time of death

An administrator from the hospital where the person died

Someone who is in charge of making funeral arrangements

If the person died somewhere other than at home or in a hospital:

A relative should register the death but if this is not possible the following may register:

Someone who was there at the time of death

The person who found the person after they had died

Someone who is in charge of caring for the person after they have died

Someone who is in charge of making funeral arrangements

Bradford

Telephone 01274 432 151 to book an appointment for the registrar to call you. If the person died in either BRI of AGI you can make an appointment through their bereavement officers. For BRI telephone 01274 364477 and for AGI telephone 01535 652 511.

The Medical Certificate of Cause of Death will be sent directly to the registrar.

Calderdale

Visit the below link to book an appointment for the registrar to contact you.

https://ebooking.calderdale.gov.uk/eRegistrar/

Registration of death is only being carried out over telephone.

The hospital or GP surgery will scan the registration paperwork to the registrar.

Harrogate

Use the below link to book an appointment for the registrar to ring you:

https://myaccount.northyorks.gov.uk/registrars/death-booking

Or, call 01609 780780

You will need:

Details about the person that has died

Confirmation that the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death has been emailed to the registrars

A credit / debit card to pay for any death certificates

Kirklees

No registration of death is to be done in person, only over the telephone

Use the below link to book an appointment for the registrar to ring you

http://zipporah.co.uk/contact

You will need:

Details about the person that has died

Confirmation that the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death is with the registrar

A credit / debit card to pay for any death certificates

Leeds

Registering the death by phone

A member of the registrar team will call the next of kin usually within three days of the person’s death and over the course of the phone call they will register the death. If the next of kin is unable to take the call someone else can speak to the registrar – the next of kin can pass the phone to them or they can give the registrar additional contact details. The other person must be:

A relative of the person that has died

The funeral director or someone making the person’s funeral arrangements

York

Email: [email protected] or call 01904 654477 to arrange an appointment to register a death by telephone; details you must include are:

name of the person who has died

date and place of death

name, contact number and email address of the person registering the death

name of the funeral director (if known)

Registration of deaths is only taking place over the telephone.

The Medical Certificate of Cause of Death will be issued directly to the register office.

The want to live and create sustainably envelops Francesca’s work; this much is evident to anyone that glances at her Instagram and website posts where photographs of delicately embroidered fabrics and organic forms in stitching are accompanied by comments frequently referencing her natural inspiration. These organic forms in thread have not come about for aesthetics’ sake alone; Francesca is part of a movement that is challenging the way we produce and consume garments. Through her studies at the Duncan of Jordanstone College of Art & Design, from which she has recently graduated, Francesca’s mission to challenge the impact our consumption has on the planet has been guided, strengthened, and found its voice in the creation of sustainable and eco-conscious burial garments presented in her final year’s project. I spoke with her about this project, her impressions (as a textile artist and relative outsider) of the death industry, and her plans for the future.

Could you tell us a little bit about your burial garment project?

Every life has an ending, and for humans this is a heavily contemplated advent. However, even with the existing sustainable options for burials, the materials that that body is clothed in are not often considered. It is estimated that 65% of all fibres used in the clothing industry are made from synthetic material. Long after a body has decomposed these materials remain in the ground and take hundreds of years to break down, releasing harmful chemicals in the process. Using the slow and thoughtful process of embroidery, I have designed textiles for burial-wear with fabric that is eco-friendly to produce and 100% decomposable, such as plant and animal-based materials and natural dyes. Bio-degradable matter, once dead and decomposing, adds nutrients to the ground which allows for new life to grow. This life cycle closely connects people to nature and provides the visuals for my design. I have drawn from disintegrated leaves as a reminder of our place in the environment, one that we must look after for the next generations in the cycle. Some of the techniques and materials used are inspired by traditional Irish crafts and the ancient burial rituals of my predecessors. Textiles have great significance within society, throughout history and across cultures; they tell stories, provide warmth and comfort and play an important role in specific occasions and rituals. New life is often accompanied by textiles, the swaddling blanket helps the baby feel safe and contained as it adjusts to life outside the womb. The same is sometimes done with the deceased; as a salve, a cover, for remembrance and memorial. My project aims to open the discussion around death and the rituals and practices that surround it. With beautiful, thoughtful textiles in natural materials we can return loved ones to the earth with ceremony that has aligns with the balance of nature.

What is the background to your project, and what inspired you to delve into the niche of burial clothing?

I was speaking to a family member who went to a funeral where the deceased was buried in a wicker casket, and I thought that was very cool but I automatically questioned what she wore in the casket, since I study textile design I’m always thinking about materials. This family member was also helping me figure out a concept for my final year project, and he thought shrouds for the grave was a great idea. At first I said no way, because I’m 22 death isn’t something that crosses my mind often and I thought it would be too morbid. But the more research I did the more I realised I could incorporate the themes that ARE of a great concern to me (environmental impact of textiles) and make the project a positive one.

What research did you do for the project?

For my project’s concept I began researching ancient Irish traditions and celebrations i.e. pagan traditions and mythological beliefs, and most of these things were connected to death and the afterlife, and compared this to how we view death today. For the visuals of my project I looked into folk art, traditional Irish crafts and other artists and designers who incorporate or mimic nature in their work. The most interesting research for me was discovering innovative and sustainable textiles, e.g. fabric made out of seaweed, algae or nettles. Of course none of these fabrics are commercial yet, so for my project I stuck to traditional cottons, linens and silk, with Irish made linen being the star feature.

What, if anything, surprised you most about the ‘death world’?

During my research I discovered that eco or green burials are gaining popularity, but I almost couldn’t find anyone who had considered what the body will wear in the grave. I asked a friend who works at a funeral directors what people wear for a green burial and he said people are just dressed in a plain robe sort of thing for their burial. I think it made me realise just how little most people know about, so therefore consider, what their clothes are made from.

Another thing I realised during this project is that in other countries around the world death is kind of more accepted, and a bigger fuss is made out of funerals. This could be because of their different beliefs of the afterlife or maybe because more people die at an early age. But in the western world especially, death is scary, and we put it off for as long as possible, and everyone wears black at the funerals and it seems like the worst thing in the world. I’m not saying either of these views of death is wrong, I just found it interesting once I thought about it.

Do you think you’ll be making the garments to sell in the future?

As of now I have no plans to actually make and sell burial garments, even though I think there is a gap in the market for them. But hopefully now that more people are thinking about a green burial, more people will start making sustainable burial clothing.

What is something you would like people reading this to know?

I can’t think of anything else I’d like to add about my project, but I guess in general I’d like more people to think about what their clothes are made from and who has made them. If you buy a £3 t-shirt in Primark, what did the person making it get paid? And isn’t it better to spend money on well-made, ethically made clothing rather than continuously buying cheap clothes that wear out fast? Also, if your clothes do become unwearable, never ever throw them in the bin that goes to landfill.

Francesca’s website is:

https://www.francescareatextiles.com/

You can also find her on Instagram

‘I want to talk about my Mum dying but people have stopped asking me about it and so I don’t know whether I can bring it up’

‘People assume that everything is okay because I am just getting on’

‘It’s been a year since my brother died and there seems to be a feeling that I should have moved on – but I don’t feel like that’

‘People cross the street when they see me – I think they are embarrassed or don’t know what to say’

‘I think my friends are afraid I might cry on them’

The time between someone dying and the funeral is often a very busy time – making contact with people, making arrangements with the funeral director, the officiant, family and friends, doing all the official, legal things that are required and just generally engaged in many conversations about what has happened and how we are feeling. After the funeral there seems to follow a quieter time when it comes to tasks and there comes a time and a need to return to ‘normality’. What is normal when we are talking about bereavement and grief? Everyone’s grief is individual to them and yes there are some ‘norms’ in terms of our physical and emotional reactions to grief but really, we are all individual and we will have had our own relationship with the person who has died and we will respond to that in our own way.

What does become apparent though is that over the months that follow, our opportunities to talk to people about our experience and our emotions become less. Perhaps because we don’t feel like we can or should bother people; perhaps because we think that we might look okay to people on the outside that we don’t feel we can tell them how we are on the inside; perhaps people are afraid to ask us because they don’t know what kind of emotional response they will have to deal with. Whatever the reason, the fact is we don’t talk. Counselling offers that opportunity to share our inner most thoughts with someone who is non-judgemental and impartial. However, it can sometimes be difficult to access free counselling or a long wait and not everyone can afford to pay for it.

The idea of a bereavement support group is that you can offer people a safe space to share experiences and emotion with people who have a shared knowledge and understanding of where you might be at. The power of hearing that someone else has thought what you have been thinking, has wondered whether their feelings are ‘normal’, shared the feeling of fog and forgetfulness, should not be underestimated.

We started our bereavement support group in October 2018. Before the Covid pandemic, we met in an evening once a month and we have an open door – to anyone (not just to families that we have supported) who would like to come and stay for as little or as long as you would like. The kettle was warm, and the biscuits were plentiful. During the pandemic we have continued to meet, only by Zoom. I wasn’t too sure how people would feel about it but like everything, it works for some and doesn’t for others. Some like the opportunity to still be able to meet and chat. Some don’t like video conferencing as a way to connect. What we all miss is the chance to give a hug or hold a hand but we also take comfort from knowing that we are there for each other.

You may not want to say very much in front of a group of people who you have never met before – that’s okay. You may find yourself sharing more because they are strangers – that’s okay too. Either way, what we hope is that people feel comfortable and leave with a sense of their time having been spent in a worthwhile way. We aren’t counsellors but we are a team of people who work every day with the bereaved and we listen to their experiences and we share their lessons with those who we hope it can help.

‘I went home and I slept through the night for the first time since my husband died’

‘Someone in the group talked about a time of day that they found to be very difficult and how they decided to start a new routine at that time and it has helped them. I am going to try that too.’

‘It isn’t just me’

‘They all understood what I was trying to say even though I couldn’t find the words’

Full Circle Funerals Bereavement Support Group meets on the first Wednesday of the month, 5.00-6.30pm by Zoom. You can contact Ruth on 01943 262626 or [email protected] to find out more about the group and to get the link for the next meeting.

In December 2017 I wrote a blog about going for my Dementia Champion training in Leeds with the Older People’s Forum. I can’t quite believe that two years have passed and here I am writing a new blog about the journey of being a Dementia Friend. Where did that time pass?

I remember feeling slightly nervous, wondering if I will be able to deliver the inspiring training that I have heard from our local group, Ilkley Dementia Friends back in May 2017. I had attended their dementia awareness training as part of Ilkley’s drive to become a dementia friendly town and Dementia Awareness week. It was the most inspiring and motivating training I think I have ever received. Learning through activities, case studies, personal stories – you forgot you were learning! At the time something called the Dementia Alliance were encouraging communities, whether it be your town or your workplace to become dementia friendly. You may have seen their stickers and logos on police cars, ambulances, banks, airports, schools, local businesses and trades in your town. You may, yourself have had dementia friends training. It certainly encouraged Full Circle to become a Dementia Friends business and become members of our local alliances. Since then, the alliance has changed tac slightly and is now about creating a dementia friendly community with the emphasis being about that particular community supporting themselves to become dementia friendly through peer support and review.

Why is Dementia Friends and Dementia Friendly Community important? Dementia affects over 670,000 people in the UK and that number is likely to double in the next 30 years. It impacts heavily on families and forms the basis of health and social care policy. But, if we are totally honest with ourselves, most of us are quite scared of dementia. Scared of it happening to us, our loved ones, scared of people with dementia, worried about upsetting them, treat them differently. All very negative connotations. 47% of people with dementia do not feel part of their community.

Delivering the information sessions has been incredible. I have delivered 11 sessions and created 88 new dementia friends. They have been GP receptionists, our celebrants, our staff, WI groups, Marie Curie volunteers – all of whom either have a professional or personal opportunity to share their experience and pass the message along. I have also given short talks at community events about how to support people with dementia at the time of arranging a funeral for some one they love.

Of course, the pandemic has altered our opportunities to deliver the information sessions face-to-face but in keeping with the adjustments that we have all had to make, we can continue todo this by Zoom. My first time of doing this will be on the 14th August and I am looking forward to seeing how the resources that we used before have been adapted to this new way of delivering training.

For me, Dementia Friends information sessions enable you to not be scared, to feel that you can make a positive difference, to make that difference in yourself, in your business, in your community. The more people that get involved, the better we can be as a society to understand dementia.

To find out more about the session on the 14th August, please call Ruth on 01943 262626 or email [email protected]

When someone you care about is hurting it can be hard to know how to help them. Receiving gifts can be helpful for the person that is bereaved, as these can be a reminder that someone is thinking about and cares for them. Sending a token of your thoughts needn’t be expensive – below we have collected some of our favourite, inexpensive gift ideas that you might want to consider gifting.

1. Friend I’m here for you – Made by Laura Jane (£5.25)

‘Maybe I can’t stop the downpour, but I will always walk with you in the rain’ reads the small notecard that accompanies this bonny figurine of a child in a hooded raincoat. A small gesture to remind those you care about that they have someone to weather the storm with.

2. “In Loving Memory” Remembrance Votive Candle with Gift Bag and Card – Angel and Dove (£11.99 but quote FULLCIRCLE10 for 10% discount on all their products)

Lighting a candle in memory of someone is one way to visualise remembrance. Angel and Dove have created a token candle which may be gifted in memory of someone which the person missing them can light to create a visual expression of their thoughts.

3. Pocket Flower Forget Me Not – Little Glass Boutique (£5.30 incl VAT)

These small mementos come attached to a card which can be removed so they can be held in the hand, or perhaps kept in a pocket as a reminder that those one cares about are never far away.

4. Feather Bereavement Fairy Gift – Lotty Lollipop (£12.95)

The hand painted figurines can be personalised by adding a name to the bottom of the figure. The wings may prevent them from being comfortable cuddled like the other small mementos on this list, but they would make a sweet décor addition with a subtle nod to the person that is missed.

5. Thinking of Your Miniature Bouquet of Paper Roses – Marvling Bros Ltd (£9.95)

Giving flowers is a popular way of letting someone know that they are being though of. This matchbox sized faux-bouquet can be kept much longer than real flowers and can be reopened when comfort is sought.

6. Glass angel light catcher – Jayne Britton (£9.75)

The removable light catcher can be hung in the light – a colourful reminder of the words from its giver.

7. “Sometime all your need is a bear hug” matchbox gift – Liberty Bee (£7.98)

Another matchbox gift to be held comfortably in the palm. The whimsical nature of this bear token means it could make a great gift for younger people and children.

8. Name a star – thegiftexperience.co.uk (£12.95)

Looking at the night sky, up into the stars can be comforting to some people that have lost someone special to them. Some like to think that amongst the stars is where the person they miss now exists. Naming a star after someone is a way of solidifying this connection.

9. Personalised message heart shaped coaster – Sophia Victoria Joy (£6.00)

Personalise this coaster with the name of the mother’s child.

10. Personalised memorial candle – Lollyrocket Candle Co (£12.00)

Lighting a hand poured candle whilst thinking of someone that has died is one way to create ritual around a moment of remembrance. These candles can be personalised for a small additional cost.

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Taking Care of Yourself

In these difficult times it is more important than ever to take care of yourself and your family.

Many people are rushing to make Wills at present, but the importance of Lasting Powers of Attorney should not be overlooked, and the documents should (ideally) be prepared together as part of your lifetime planning. Wills and Lasting Powers of Attorney can only be executed when the person making them has the requisite mental capacity to do so. As mental incapacity can strike at any time through accident or illness or general deterioration, it is important to get your affairs in order whilst you are fit and well.

Wills

Making a Will allows you to say who inherits your estate after death. The Will does not take effect until death and therefore does not dictate what you can do with your estate in your lifetime – it is yours to do with as you please whilst you are alive. If you spend all you have – so be it! The Will simply takes care of what is left of your estate on death and accordingly should be drafted to protect and provide for those who are left behind. A Will should be reviewed on a regular basis, at least every 3 to 5 years, to ensure that it still meets with your wishes. Family circumstances can change quickly, and your Will should adapt accordingly – if it is very specific in its content then it will require a regular review. If it is more general in content, it may extend that review period.

Making a Will at any time, whether you are 18 years old or 80 years old gives you the opportunity to choose who will deal with your estate after death, who will care for any children under the age of 18 years at your death, who will care for any pets you have at your death, and making a Will allows you to make specific gifts of items or sums of money to particular people – whether they be family members, friends or charities. Those who are parents should look to protect their children and those who are grandparents should look to distribute their assets as they wish.

Without a Will, the law dictates who will deal with your estate after death and more importantly who will inherit your estate after death – don’t let that happen. This is a particularly important point for those who cohabit with their partner and do not marry or enter into a civil partnership. Those who choose to cohabit offer no protection for their partner without making a Will, unless they hold all their assets in joint names with their partner (in which case the assets pass by survivorship), which is not always the case.

Lasting Powers of Attorney

Making a Lasting Power of Attorney allows you to say who deals with your affairs in your lifetime. There are two types of Lasting Power of Attorney – one that relates to your property and financial affairs, and the other that relates to your health and welfare. The two Lasting Powers of Attorney complement each other and enable you to say who should look after your affairs in the event that you are unable to. A Lasting Power of Attorney relating to your property and financial affairs covers everything from dealing with your income, capital and expenditure, to selling your property for you. Appointing someone you trust is vital as it is a very important role for someone to take on, and it should not be taken on lightly. A Lasting Power of Attorney relating to your health and welfare covers everything from your Attorney being involved in your daily routine and respecting your wishes for day to day living, to making life sustaining decisions. The major difference between the two documents is that a Lasting Power of Attorney relating to your property and financial affairs can be used whilst you still have capacity – perhaps for convenience. However, a Lasting Power of Attorney relating to your health and welfare can only be used when you do not have the capacity to make a decision yourself relating to those matters.

Without Lasting Powers of Attorney in place, your legal next of kin have to apply to the Court of Protection in London for a Court order to become a ‘Deputy’ to enable them to deal with your affairs. This can prove to be a lengthy and expensive process at a time when time may be of the essence, and family tensions run high – don’t let that happen. The process of applying to the Court involves an application form being completed, together with a schedule of your income and capital and an assessment of capacity carried out by a medical professional. There is an application fee payable to the Court. Your proposed ‘Deputy’ will also need to complete a Declaration and in due course will need to take out an insurance bond to protect your assets. The Deputy will need to prepare an annual report of your income, capital and expenditure. Again, it can be an onerous task, one that can be avoided by making a Lasting Power of Attorney – you are able to choose who you wish to be your Attorney, rather than the law dictating who the next of kin is and therefore who is entitled to apply to Court to be appointed as your Deputy.

So, don’t delay – take care of yourself today!

Mrs Maxine Heppenstall

Private Client Solicitor & Director

Walker Foster Ltd, Skipton

[email protected]

01756 700200

Visit the Walker Foster website here