Full Circle Funerals

Emma Pickering is a support worker for bereaved carers at Carers Leeds. We chatted to her about the unique nature of her work and how she uses creativity to look after her own wellbeing.

How did you get into specialist grief support?

My background is in social work and I worked with children and families before moving into fostering social work, where I first developed a real interest in supporting people through loss. Working with short term foster carers helped me understand the feelings of loss they experience when children move on from their care. I later joined Cruse Bereavement Support and trained to be a bereavement support volunteer and then worked for Leeds Cruse Bereavement Support for a period before becoming a support worker for bereaved carers at Carers Leeds.

Tell us about the special type of work you do at Carers Leeds

Bereaved carers experience a unique type of loss. Very often they have given up their job, friends and former lives to care full time for someone and when that person dies, the loss they experience is amplified by the fact that their whole identity was linked to their role as a carer.

How do you offer support and is there anything those reading this could learn from your approach that might help them support people who are experiencing loss?

As a social worker I was expected to find a solution whereas in my role as a bereavement support worker I am there to give people space to be sad. It can be unhelpful to try and fix people who are experiencing grief and can come across as dismissing how they are feeling. Bereavement support is about sitting with someone and being comfortable with the uncomfortable, acknowledging where they are in their journey at that moment and letting them be raw and honest.

People often find it hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving. Do you have any advice?

Nobody’s experience of grief is the same, so even if you have experienced grief before or supported someone through loss, another person’s experience and journey will be quite different. It is important to meet someone where they are and accept how they are feeling and reacting to the situation. It’s all about very good listening skills and demonstrating empathy.

Do you ever find it difficult to cope when you are supporting people through such difficult times?

Yes, it is heavy and often intense. I absorb a lot of emotion and sadness so I have had to learn how to look after myself. I am resilient but even so, there is a danger that if I don’t find ways to restore myself and refill the well, I won’t be able to support people properly.

Have you discovered any particularly powerful ways of supporting your own wellbeing?

The support I offer is very intensive and the sessions are by necessity confidential and intimate, allowing people to feel completely at ease to share their deepest feelings. I give myself that intimacy and space by writing poetry. Intense emotion often sparks creativity and writing gives me an outlet when I have been bearing witness to people’s innermost suffering. It gives me a tool to cope and that’s important because I don’t want to have an off day. I want to be there for people. Writing is a win win because it helps me and by doing so it sustains me to help others.

What do you write about in your poems?

My writing is very much inspired by and interwoven with nature. I don’t overthink it, I just let the words flow. The process is so healing and I find it a really helpful way of acknowledging difficult feelings. When I read them back I feel the same healing benefit. Some of my poems make the fridge and I stop and read them during the day so they keep sustaining me. Looking back on them is good for my self-development because it shows me where I was and how far I’ve come.

Have you had any of your work published?

I have had one poem published in a specialist book about healing and grief but my writing has always been something I’ve done just for me. It’s a process I benefit from and when I’m writing I’m not thinking about the finished article. I don’t want to set myself a task and I don’t worry about proper use of grammar, it’s just a way to let my internal voice out. It’s like therapy, a way to be honest with my emotions. Sometimes I don’t feel the need to write but when I do need to refill the well I use writing to do that.

Would you recommend writing to others who might be experiencing loss or suffering?

Creativity often helps people process difficult emotions. Sometimes people find art is a good outlet or they might use music. They might find it helpful to write a letter to a person who is not there. Some people write to a person who has died every day and they can find it very soothing and comforting. It can be a way of continuing a bond and maintaining a relationship after loss. There are lots of ways creativity can help us look after our wellbeing. I sketch as well, even though I was always terrible at art at school. I always draw nature and it isn’t about how good it is to look at, it’s about how the process restores and helps me.

Would you mind sharing one or two of your poems?

Funeral directors are generally kind and compassionate people and want to give people the best possible support. However, like everyone they come with their own personal and professional experiences and some will be more confident in supporting people from the LGBTQ+ community than others.

What is different?

Many members of the LGBTQ+ community have experienced their romantic relationships being dismissed or misinterpreted. Often this is by individuals with no ill-intent, but sometimes some people struggle to see the whole picture.

Although misrepresentation is often not intended to cause offense, it can cause the feeling of not feeling acknowledged or respected. Extending this to funerals, I believe that the best way to ensure that our funeral needs are met, is to make sure that we do what we can to make sure that the right people lead the arrangements and that our wishes are known.

Who will make the funeral arrangements?

I know that some people worry about how they will be represented after they have died; those that are tasked with making funeral arrangements may not create an event that truly reflects their life and who was important to them (and in what capacity).

In theory, anyone can arrange and pay for a funeral. However, it is usual for the executors named in a will to take responsibility for the funeral arrangements. They may choose to delegate the responsibility to someone else and simply receive the funeral invoice, which can be paid from any assets in the estate.

If someone dies without a will (this is called “intestate”) then arrangements may fall to their next of kin, or anyone else who steps forward to make arrangements, and isn’t contested.

Funeral choices and wishes

Every funeral is unique, and it really is possible to create an event that truly reflects the beliefs, values, spirituality and personality of the person who has died. Some people from the LGBTQ+ community may want the funeral to reflect their relationships and identity whereas others may choose for this aspect of their lives to be relatively private and understated.

The key is that the funeral choices reflect the person who has died and are helpful for their friends and family – and that they are not made by the funeral director. If you know what you would like (or not like) for your funeral that we would strongly encourage you to write it down and let people close to you know. This may be one or two simple wishes, or a more elaborate plan – any level of instruction is helpful and fulfilling those wishes is likely to be very consoling for the people who matter the most to you.

If you aren’t sure what you want, then I would encourage you to read “Funerals Your Way” – a funeral planning guide written by my colleague. It is an easy read, which highlights your choices and prompts you to consider what you think works best for you.

Your funeral wishes can be included in a will, or as a separate document. It is important to know that they are not legally binding however, in more cases than not, they are fulfilled by those responsible for making the funeral arrangements.

Some specifics about dressing and personal care

What we wear can be an important part of how we express ourselves. Your funeral director should offer to dress you in your own clothes, so if there’s something specific that you’d like to wear, a particular style you’d like honouring (or one that you’d rather was avoided completely) it can be helpful to record these wishes. If someone is going to be cremated, then there are some restrictions about what they can wear (to minimise harmful emissions) but it is often possible to find an alternative in a natural material which will have the same effect.

Some people find it helpful and important to be involved in physically caring for someone after they have died. This may include styling their hair, applying their make-up, or painting their nails in the manner they liked best. It can also include washing a person and performing other aspects of personal care for them. In most circumstances, your funeral director should facilitate this in the manner that works best for you. If it is important for you to be cared for by individuals of a particular gender, then this is usually possible.

Confidentiality

Funeral directors understand the importance of confidentiality and if they are a member of a trade association then they will be bound to their confidentiality standards. They will aim to keep confidential information private and will not share any unnecessary information about gender, sexuality, personal and sexual relationships with colleagues, other professionals or anyone involved on the funeral arrangements.

My advice

Write a will and appoint an executor that you trust to respect your wishes

Talk to people close to you about what you want and why

Document your funeral wishes and leave them somewhere safe (and easy to find)

When my Uncle Tom died, some years ago, I rang my cousin to offer sympathy and love, to share a few memories and to see if she and her sisters needed any help with the practical details. Coming from a family with an infamously sweet tooth, and knowing my cousin’s particular weakness for cake, I teased: “I’m a dab-hand at funeral cake, you know!” Her response was immediate and positive, and I found myself unexpectedly responsible for some memorial baking.

Like my uncle and cousin, I grew up with the idea that providing for someone is an everyday opportunity to show love. My Grandma loved baking, and we never went short of cake, pies, puddings or scones. She passed that love to her daughters and grandchildren. When my cousin came among us with a tray and asked, “Would you like some of the funeral cake that Paul’s made?” nobody batted an eyelid. It was the perfect expression of a family culture of providing and sharing, of finding joy in sweetness, even when the times are sad ones.

As a food writer, I have come across recipes and anecdotes about funeral cakes in several sources. Although I was surprised at first, the idea of a cake that marks the passing of someone loved and respected has come to make more and more sense to me. We mark so many important moments with food. After the excesses of Victorian mourning and the traumatic losses of the world wars, it was perhaps natural that we tried as a culture to minimise all expressions of grief and loss and to avoid reflecting on the reality of death at all. Recipes for funeral foods were lost, as we did away with anything that seemed to normalise contact with death. I have perceived a change, though, in the last thirty years or so. Alienated from traditional forms of mourning, people are looking again at how to mark the importance of lives lived well and love that remains.

For many Christian families, especially Catholics, it is common to celebrate funerals with the Eucharist. Buried within the layers of meaning and theology, the Eucharist is at heart a ritualised meal. The community gathers around a table to share bread and wine. Many other religious communities will be used to sharing food at home or around funeral services. In Wales and the English midlands, it was once common to employ the services of “sin-eaters,” who were given food over the body of the person who has died and were believed to consume their wrongdoing with that food, thus ensuring an effective transition to the afterlife. The origin of the practice is not well understood, although it only died out in the later years of the nineteenth century. It is believed to be the forerunner of Victorian and more modern funeral cakes.

The recipes I’ve come across in my research fall broadly into three categories, according to their function: to announce a death, to thank guests for coming, and to show care for the bereaved. The first of these were usually simple shortcakes. Bakers and confectioners across northern England baked batches of such cakes, often impressed with designs such as crosses or hearts. Each was individually wrapped in paper printed with biblical verses or reassuring poetry and sealed with wax. Often, they would be delivered door to door by the baker’s boy, who informed the recipient of the passing and the funeral arrangements. I have seen examples of wrappers from many northern mill- and mining towns, so we can reasonably conclude these biscuits were relatively inexpensive.

At the other end of the scale is the recipe for funeral cakes to be found in Julie Duff’s wonderful book, Cakes Regional & Traditional. These are delicate sponge fingers, flavoured with fresh lemon peel and dried fruit. That they were, according to Duff, “served with sherry or wine” indicates they were enjoyed at wealthier homes than the biscuits just mentioned. These were offered as refreshment to those who had come to the funeral – a touch of luxury to thank people for coming.

Readers with Irish connections will be familiar with waking, and the importance it has in Irish culture. As soon as it is known that a member of the community has passed on, friends, neighbours and family will start to arrive at the family home to comfort the bereaved, pay their respects and keep vigil around the body. Most will bring a plate of sandwiches, a cake or some scones: nobody would expect the bereaved to cater for such numbers immediately after a death. The third sort of funeral cake I’ve come across comes from this desire to look after the newly-bereaved. Often, they are loaf cakes, easily sliced up for many visitors. Tea loaves predominate, as they are quick to make, requiring no time to “mature,” and are made from the kind of staple ingredients most home bakers have readily at hand. Given that the funeral will usually take place within a couple of days of the death, tea loaves make economic sense. They keep better than sponge cakes, so any left after the wake will do for the funeral tea, too.

To return, then, to my uncle’s funeral and the absolute right-ness of making a cake to mark his passing. What made it so right was our family’s experience of taking pleasure in sweet foods. I wonder what foods make sense to you and your experience of loss. To make a cake for family on these occasions is both a service and an honour, and I find the process deeply involving. Although it is a simple and familiar thing to be doing, it takes on particular significance. The actions, the smells the recipes, can all be evocative of the life of the person we’ve lost. Food, be it a cake or something else that it appropriate, is a gift of ourself: we have put time and care into it, and we are providing both real and symbolic nourishment to those we care for. We are doing for our bereaved family and friends what the person who has died is no longer able to do.

When you are planning how to mark the passing of those who have been significant in your own life, you might want to consider what part food should play. Who has fed you, and how? What foods speak to you of the love you’ve known, the joyful memories and stand-out moments? What foods might express your love and care for those who are hurting? I hope my reflections might provide a helpful starting-point for your own journey.

Paul Fogarty lives in the north of England, where he loves to have people gather around his table, to share good times and good food. He learnt to cook in school: he learnt to eat in France. He has hosted a private dining club for the last 28 years and we would encourage you to read his wonderful blog

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I became a funeral director because I believe that funerals are a very important opportunity for people to gain a growing acceptance of their loss, and to set the tone for a more positive bereavement. Everyone we support has different needs that could potentially be met during the funeral arrangement process or by the funeral itself. As a funeral director, I feel our contribution is to create a space for people to understand what would be helpful for them and to support people to create the event that is right for that unique individual and their family and friends.

In May 2018, I supported a lady to arrange her father’s funeral. We met again in August 2018 because her mother had died, and she needed to plan her funeral. In conversation, she mentioned that since May she had been involved in three other funerals in other parts of the country. She told me that she had shared what she had learnt while arranging her father funeral and had been able to empower others as a result. She also said that is was “like ripples on a pond” because the people who attended those funerals remarked how they identified with some of what they had seen and would hope to make similar choices when they were making funeral arrangements.

This conversation was the starting point for my book “Funerals Your Way – A Person Centred Approach to Planning a Funeral”, which I self-published in 2018. I wrote this book to share with people what is possible and to provide a step-by-step decision-making framework to make the task of articulating funeral wishes, or planning a funeral, seem accessible and help people to feel more in control. While articulating the choices and possibilities, I was very aware that I did not want the reader to feel that there was any expectation to personalise everything or participate, engage and reflect the individual if that is not right for them. I hope that I have shared possibilities to create opportunities, not add more pressure to perform!

I hope that is helps people who would like to express their own funeral wishes or need to plan a funeral for someone who has already died. Some people find it very important to articulate their wishes and the boxes at the end of every chapter are designed to help people to write down their thoughts as they evolve. Some people who I have met are not able to speak to anyone close to them about their funeral and I hope that this book can help some of those people to still feel able to express their views but might not feel confident to approach a funeral director to do so.

I have also written it to be helpful for people who would like to feel more prepared because they know someone close to them is going to die soon. Many people describe feeling out of control after someone has died and being able to gather information, understand the process and options can help to manage that. Since the book was published in November 2018, I have received emails from people who have told me that the book made the process seem manageable, positive, and allowed them to see that the funeral could be a positive and helpful event, rather than someone that they simply “need to get through”.

The first edition of *Funerals Your Way* on Kindle

In 2021, I wanted to update the book to include more information about green funerals, funerals in the digital age and to include what I had learnt from people about supporting wellbeing after bereavement. I have also included some changes suggested by people who were kind enough to give me their feedback after reading the first version.

I was very fortunate that a local publisher wanted to publish the second edition and it is now available from any bookshop in the world – which is wonderful because I am a strong believer in supporting local, independent businesses whenever possible.

There seems to be a growing awareness that it is helpful to discuss our funeral wishes with those close to us and it is something that people are increasingly being encouraged to do. I believe that this is very difficult to do without a basic understanding of funerals, because without that you don’t have the shared language to communicate with. “What would you like for your funeral?” is a very big and intimidating question. However, “It would be helpful for me to know how you would like your beliefs to be reflected in your funeral?” or “Do you know that you can have a funeral service almost anywhere. Do you have any thoughts about where you would like us to gather?” are softer and more likely to result in a meaningful conversation. People who have read the book have told me that they felt more confident to ask the important questions and subsequently the burden of “not knowing” has been lifted.

If you do ever decide to read “Funerals Your Way”, then please do get in touch to let me know whether you have found it helpful or whether you think it could be improved in any way. All the book proceeds are donated to local charities and this year they are in support of The Swan Song Project – a wonderful Yorkshire based charity which write songs with people reaching the end of their lives, or after bereavement.

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We are thrilled to announce that we have become the first UK funeral director to gain B Corp certification. The accreditation officially recognises us for our positive environmental and social impact and we join big names in the B Corp movement including Finisterre, Patagonia, Bol, Dash Water and The Body Shop – as well as many smaller companies too.

All B Corps have one thing in common – we put huge significance on meeting the highest possible standards of social, community and environmental impact.

What is a B Corp?

The concept of B Corps was launched in the United States in 2006 and there are now over 3,500 certified B Corps across 74 countries. There are more than 400 in the UK.

B Corp is short for ‘benefit corporation’ because businesses with B Corp status seek to be a force for good and use their role as a business to solve social and environmental challenges.

How do you become a B Corp?

B Corp accredited businesses have met very high social and environmental standards and have proven themselves to demonstrate both transparency and legal accountability.

Far from being a tick box exercise, B Corps need to demonstrate that they are taking meaningful action to make a difference. The process is not straightforward and isn’t for the faint-hearted. It will force you to look at every area of your business in detail.

The assessment process looks at five areas: workers, customers, environment, community and governance. Preparation took us many months as we looked at all our processes and really focused on how we do what we do, why we do it and what influence we have on others – whether those people are in our business, work alongside us in our industry and community or come to us for help to arrange a funeral and for ongoing bereavement support.

Once we had prepared everything and had made absolutely sure that we could confidently invite scrutiny from the B Corp assessors, we underwent independent evaluation which included interviews and submissions of evidence.

Yes, we are a B Corp now but this is an ongoing process and we will need to recertify in there years’ time. For that reason, we will continue to monitor ourselves, talk about how we can improve and look for opportunities to be a force for good.

What it means to us

Becoming a B Corp is a huge achievement for a business of our size and shows just how hard we are working to ensure we have a positive impact on the people we support, the community, our team and the world in which we live and work.

We are particularly proud to be the first UK funeral business to become accredited and this has only been possible thanks to the enthusiasm and sheer inspiration of our lovely team.

The accreditation process is rigorous and has seen us being assessed on a whole range of measures such as how we create benefit for our employees and the communities where we work, how we respect the environment and our positive impact on the bereaved people we support.”

What it means to our clients

People generally are becoming much more aware of the ethics of the businesses they choose to use or visit. As a funeral director, we are looking after people at a very sensitive time in their lives and the personal nature of what we do means that those who are bereaved often want to be supported by people who share their values.

As an accredited B Corp, people know that the way we interact with them and the wider world matters to us. It matters so much to us that we have taken great lengths to challenge ourselves to be the best we possible can be.

We go out of our way to listen and to offer individualised support. If the environment is important to the person who died or those arranging the funeral, we have lots of ideas and low carbon options for green funerals. Whatever their priorities are, we go out of our way to help.

What next?

Becoming a B Corp has been a fascinating and exciting journey which has taught us so much about ourselves, our impact on others and our potential to become a force for good. We are constantly learning and will continue to review how we work, follow best practice and talk about what we can do better.

We are hugely committed to sharing what we have learnt with others who are on a similar journey and would welcome other businesses to contact us to talk about what we did and how we made it through the certification process.”

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All B Corps have one thing in common – we put huge significance on meeting the highest possible standards of social, community and environmental impact.

What is a B Corp?

The concept of B Corps was launched in the United States in 2006 and there are now over 3,500 certified B Corps across 74 countries. There are more than 400 in the UK.

B Corp is short for ‘benefit corporation’ because businesses with B Corp status seek to be a force for good and use their role as a business to solve social and environmental challenges.

How do you become a B Corp?

B Corp accredited businesses have met very high social and environmental standards and have proven themselves to demonstrate both transparency and legal accountability.

What it means to us

We are particularly proud to be the first UK funeral business to become accredited and this has only been possible thanks to the enthusiasm and sheer inspiration of our lovely team.

What it means to our clients

What next?

To receive our newsletters and information about new blogs – please sign up here.

All B Corps have one thing in common – we put huge significance on meeting the highest possible standards of social, community and environmental impact.

What is a B Corp?

The concept of B Corps was launched in the United States in 2006 and there are now over 3,500 certified B Corps across 74 countries. There are more than 400 in the UK.

B Corp is short for ‘benefit corporation’ because businesses with B Corp status seek to be a force for good and use their role as a business to solve social and environmental challenges.

How do you become a B Corp?

B Corp accredited businesses have met very high social and environmental standards and have proven themselves to demonstrate both transparency and legal accountability.

What it means to us

We are particularly proud to be the first UK funeral business to become accredited and this has only been possible thanks to the enthusiasm and sheer inspiration of our lovely team.

What it means to our clients

What next?

To receive our newsletters and information about new blogs – please sign up here.

Looking ahead

Anniversaries are an opportunity to reflect on how far we have come, what we have learnt and how we can take that knowledge forward. We have been overwhelmed by the positive response from the hundreds of people we have supported and we are looking forward to helping more people in the future. If this means growing our team and our number of sites, it will only be done in a way that allows us to maintain the very special environment we have created at Full Circle Funerals.

From our own experience, we understand the positive impact our work has on the people we support. We are also committed to better understanding what helps people after a bereavement by working with local universities in York and Bradford to lead ground-breaking research into bereavement and funeral care. By taking this methodical and collaborative approach with academics, we hope to influence change on a wider scale.

For now, however, it is our birthday month and we are celebrating in lots of exciting ways. We will soon have some exciting news to share about a new charity collaboration and we are preparing to launch the second edition of Funerals Your Way, our bestselling funeral self-help book. There is so much to look forward to and so much still to do.

We feel filled with immense gratitude for the people who have supported and encouraged us and the amazing and inspiring people we work alongside daily. More than anything, we commit to continue to do the very best that we possibly can for the people in our care.

New Grief Podcast: Conversations about Loss

In our new Full Circle grief podcast series we explore grief through conversations with people whose personal experience of bereavement has given them a unique perspective on life after loss.

As modern funeral directors, we actively encourage open, honest and non-judgmental conversations about death and grief. Listening to people’s stories and wishes is a significant and valuable part of our role as we support the wellbeing of people who have been bereaved.

Why we have decided to make our own grief podcast

There are already some fantastic grief podcasts out there, many of which we subscribe to and recommend to people we support (you’ll find a link to our grief podcast recommendations at the end of this blog).

We decided to launch our own podcast so that we could share some of the inspiring stories that people share with us.

In our day to day work with individuals, healthcare professionals, death doulas, celebrants and others, people often talk to us in a very open and transparent way about grief. They share personal stories about how they have coped through challenging times or have helped others to do so.

We recognise that we are in a very privileged position and we are delighted that some of these people have agreed to share their stories more widely through our grief podcast.

In the first of our series of podcasts, A Safe Place to Breathe, we talk to grief and loss coach Laura Toop about the many challenges she has faced in her life. Laura gives a raw and frank account of her own journey through grief and mental health and how it has taken her in a new direction, both personally and professionally.

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Laura’s Story

Laura is a grief and loss specialist who, in her younger years, battled with eating disorders, her coping mechanism, following an accident that left her bedridden, aged 13, and more recently the death of her husband, her own health and the loss of her career in quick succession. She shares her darkest moments with us and explains how her life-changing experiences ended up transforming her life and taking her in a new direction.

Laura felt her life spinning out of control and she felt she needed time and space to breathe. It wasn’t until she felt she had lost everything that Laura began to see a path forwards, to rebuild, which led to her discovering strength and confidence from within and a new passion for life and living

What does a grief and loss coach do?

Our conversation with Laura begins by talking about her role as a grief and loss coach, helping people navigate loss and transition.

As someone who has undergone her fair share of counselling during her treatment for anxiety and bulimia, she understands better than most how inadequate the experience can be for many. She describes feeling patronised and talked down to by doctors and counsellors when all she really wanted was a candid conversation that would enable her to express how she felt and what she was going through.

She is now able to deliver the kind of support she always wished she had been able to access, although she points out that she has two very different audiences for her services. The first comprises senior managers, HR professionals and friends and relatives who are supporting those who are bereaved. She helps them understand how best to help people who have suffered loss or are going through major change. Her other audience is those who are newly bereaved or further down their journey. Her approach is one of being coach rather than counsellor, enabling, encouraging and empowering people to talk and move forwards.

Her key philosophy is one that we share here at Full Circle Funerals, which is allowing people to be heard.

Learning how to cope with a situation that you cannot control

In our first grief podcast, Laura talks frankly about her eating disorder and how it gave her a feeling of control, helping her cope with uncertainty and anxiety in her life.

People who have been bereaved often express the sense of feeling out of control and this is something that Laura talks about in her conversations with David Billington in the podcast. Dave is one of our funeral directors at Full Circle Funerals and has instigated this podcast series because he feels very strongly about the power of conversation and the benefits of talking about death. Through his own experiences, he has seen how beneficial it can be to give people a safe space to open up about death and dying.

Laura and Dave discuss the helplessness that often comes from being faced with a situation beyond control or comprehension and the anxiety that can result. If these feelings are never talked about, they can remain trapped and can impact a bereaved person’s wellbeing for many years to come.

The podcast is a way to share experiences, inspire conversations and support long term wellbeing. Dave and Laura have both seen, in their personal and professional lives, how talking about death can be life-enhancing.

Talking about death with friends and family

One hugely positive outcome from Laura’s grief after the death of her partner was the fact that her own parents found themselves more willing and able to talk about death. In doing so, they explored their own wishes and felt motivated to put their affairs in order.

Laura describes how her father talked openly about how the challenges he had watched his daughter face after her partner’s death had made him think about his own situation. He realised that even little things, like making sure paperwork and computer passwords were accessible to his wife so that she wouldn’t struggle to access important information, could make a big difference to the distress experienced by someone who is newly bereaved.

He also opened up about his own regrets about Laura’s childhood and the part he felt he had played in the development of her eating disorder. Laura had no idea he blamed himself. This presented the whole family with a unique and precious opportunity to share their emotions and offer forgiveness. By reframing how they looked at the past and their current situation, they were able to move forward together in a far more positive way.

Overcoming anxiety about death

Talking about death is not always an easy thing to do. Our grief podcasts are intended to spark conversations and remove some of the apprehension people feel when tackling the subject of death and grief.

We hope that by doing so, it will be easier for people to find ways to open up to those closest to them about how they are feeling and perhaps even start a discussion about their own funeral wishes.

We have some fascinating and empowering conversations lined up to share with you in the months ahead. You can listen, download and subscribe to the Full Circle Funerals grief podcast wherever you usually get your podcasts.

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/109XPDlofGGxW8oJVg0nue

You may find it helpful to read a little more about funeral wishes https://fullcirclefunerals.co.uk/funeral-plans-and-wishes/ and download our funeral wishes document to help you think about what you might want.

There are lots of other useful and interesting podcasts on grief and loss. Read our grief podcast recommendations https://fullcirclefunerals.co.uk/bereavement-support/podcasts/

People express their grief in many different ways. Sometimes this can be through art. If you have found a creative outlet for your experiences, you may want to share it in our gallery. Find out more about Art After Loss https://fullcirclefunerals.co.uk/bereavement-support/art-after-loss/

Have you ever thought when you’re “gone” how you would like to be remembered?

The reality is very few of us do other than perhaps a fleeting thought alluding to the hope that you are remembered for “all the right reasons” as the saying goes. So, given that you probably haven’t thought that much about how you’d like to be remembered, it stands to reason that you probably haven’t thought at all about how others, your loved ones, may want to remember you, have you?

As a nation, the British are not very good at talking about death and loss – we’re only just now beginning to acknowledge the importance of supporting the bereaved through a range of different offerings from counselling through to expressing our grief through artworks and memory walks.

It’s no surprise therefore that very few of us make our wishes known surrounding our death and how we want our body to be treated – if indeed we have a preference at all. The ramifications of this can be far reaching when it comes to memorialising.

When my father-in-law died, we came to the awful realisation that none of us knew whether he would have preferred to be buried or cremated, let alone what hymns he might have liked at his funeral. Even though he was not in the best of health at the end, sadly, we hadn’t had that conversation with him. He hadn’t included any instructions in his will so when the question was asked of us, we were at a loss as to what the answer should be. This was somewhat distressing – shouldn’t we know him well enough to not be in any doubt? We opted to have him cremated. This decision was to shape everything that followed.

Whilst there is a variety of ways of storing, scattering or preserving the ashes of a loved one, if a more traditional headstone is preferred options can be limited. Not a lot of people realise this until it is too late. Most Churches, for example, will only permit a small flat plaque with room for the most basic of inscriptions, in a plot surrounded by other similar plaques in the part of the Churchyard dedicated to the burial of cremated remains. Likewise, most cemeteries will limit the size and style of memorial acceptable for the commemoration of ashes.

Options for memorials on graves containing a body in a coffin or casket are more extensive but the drawback for coffin burials is that the final resting place needs to be chosen very quickly at the height of raw grief. Interestingly, however, many families who choose a full coffin burial will also have chosen and prepaid for their plot, often purchasing multiple plots either next to each other or sharing the same grave.

For these families, the memorial, and the way they are remembered, they are guaranteeing that a record of their life will endure.

In conclusion whatever your choice of final resting place it could affect what your memorial may look like, so consider carefully how you would like to be remembered and, above all else, make your feelings known.

A Day In The Life Of A Funeral Director

Traditionally, funeral directing has happened behind closed doors creating an air of mystery about the profession and everything surrounding it. Funeral directors often joined the family business having grown up in it, and it was deemed respectful and dignified for the care of people who have died (and arranging funerals) to happen privately and out of sight.

For this reason, and perhaps a post-war desire to be less exposed to death, choosing to work in funeral care isn’t considered as proactively or readily as other branches of health and social care.

We recognise that the privacy surrounding funerals makes it very hard for people to know what it’s like to be a funeral director. It can be hard to know what questions to ask. As a modern funeral director that is seeking to encourage more open conversation about funerals and funeral directing as a career, we are keen to answer some of the questions people have and talk about what a typical day in the life of a funeral director is really like in 2021. My personal experience tells me that most people are naturally very interested in what it is like to be a funeral director and have many questions. Some people have many practical questions (often starting with “Do you also look after the dead people”), other are fascinated about funeral choices and many want to understand the emotional labour involved and what it “feels like” to help people to arrange a funeral.

As always, breaking down something complicated and human into its composite parts can end up oversimplifying it. However, I believe that there are six key strands to being a funeral director and I’ll try to tell you a little more about each one below.

I must also caveat everything by saying that the UK funeral industry is unregulated and there are no minimum standards to adhere to. This means that funeral directors can choose their own ways of working so it is hard for me to judge whether this blog would apply to every service.

We have also make a short video to compliment this blog so if you are interested, then please take a look at that too!

1) Looking after people who have died

After someone has died, we go to the place where they have died and bring them into our care (and usually look after people until the day of their funeral). Depending on the circumstances and the wishes of the person who has died and their family, this may involve delivering personal care, dressing someone, or doing their nails, hair and makeup.

Sometimes people also need some care which is exclusively for people after death. This depends on specific circumstances and we would always try to facilitate a family being involved in these decisions (gently and only if they want to). Most people have heard of embalming, which is an example of such a procedure.

2) Supporting people to make funeral arrangements

We spend much of our time helping people to understand what is possible and then creating time and space to support them to work out what works best for them. We start by trying to understand what is important to the person who has died and their family and friends and then expand on these ideas by structuring the decisions that need to be made and sharing ideas.

This might include needing to do some research about new options, places, or people so that we can suggest things which are specific to that individual.

Once the decisions have been made, then it is our job to pull everything together. This usually involves sourcing some funeral products (like coffins and urns), liaising with other people like Minister and celebrants and ensuring all the necessary paperwork has been completed in a timely manner.

3) Support on the day of the funeral

On the day of the funeral, we are there to make sure that the event is as the family and friends wanted it to be. In many cases, this involves ensuring that all the carefully prepared plans and timings are adhered to. However, sometimes that also involves navigating the unexpected and being able to make quick judgements and decisions about how to adapt the plan in response to unforeseen circumstances.

Roadblocks which have popped up in the hour since you last checked the route, an unwell funeral attendee, a hearse that refuses to start or a last-minute change of plan about whether family members would like to carry the coffin, are all things which we need to navigate calmly and quickly.

4) Pre- and post-funeral support

As funeral directors, we are well placed to support people to understand and write down their own funeral wishes or purchase a pre-paid funeral plan.

We know the benefit of people leaving funeral wishes and see how consoling it is for people to be able to gift the fulfilment of these wishes after someone has died. Many people we have supported to decide and articulate their wishes tell us that they have found it a positive experience and feel like an important task has been completed.

Similarly, because we support people who have been bereaved, we are well-placed to share helpful information about bereavement support, activities to support the development of continuing bonds and signpost to other services and organisations which might help. We also run a peer bereavement support group at our services but that is not the case for all funeral directors.

5) Raising awareness and standards

The more that people know about funerals, funeral choices and how funerals costs are calculated, the better. We believe that sharing this information gentle and carefully while people are not immediately faced with planning a funeral is best because they can then call upon this knowledge when they need to make many funeral decisions in a relatively short space of time.

We spend time sharing blogs (like this one), raising awareness about funeral choices, hosting talks and workshops and other educational events. We encourage other professionals allied to funeral care to come and share their perspective.

We also lead and contribute to funeral and bereavement research with several different universities so that we can help to gather the information that is needed to make sure that funeral directors know how to deliver the best possible (evidence-based) support to people who have been bereaved.

6) Having a positive impact on our communities and the environment

As funeral directors, you are an important part of your local community and it is rewarding to be able to make a positively contribution to this community. We do what we can to understand what individuals, groups and organisations are doing and try to provide support where we can. This can take many different forms, but the key is that is it driven by the needs of the community that we are in.

Like many people, we take our responsibility to the environment very seriously. We consider how to minimise the impact that we have as a business, try to make a positive contribution to any sustainability work taking place in the community and work hard to raise awareness about greener funeral choices.

Every single day is different, every individual that we support is special and our job is truly a privilege. We meet the most amazing people (personally and professionally) and are constantly reminded of how incredibly resilient people are – and it is an honour to be able to help.

If you have any questions about what it is like to be a funeral director (or anything else funeral related) then please don’t hesitate to get in touch via our Contact Us page or by emailing [email protected]

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Creative Writing after Bereavement

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